L is for the way you look at me..
O is for the only one I see..
V is very-very extraordinary..
E is even more than anyone that you adore..
Not that I would have ever imagine, my love life is not like anything that I've dreamed of. Every tale is a new chapter..mostly end with heartbreak. Sometimes, I can't even sleep at night thinking of how much I've been a door mat for all this while. Except for one special guy, whom I've broke his heart badly and left as if nothing happened. A guy from a different race who loved me with all his heart. I guess Karma can hit you pretty good when you least expected.
Then there was this real life royal decendent guy, when I do love him, he pushed me away and treat me like one of his social girlfriend, but when I stopped loving him, because of disrespecting me, he insisted on getting serious.
You see, when I was 17, me and my friends made a pact, of marrying a real life prince from a palace (and even saying it for 40 times to made it come true) because at the time, the crown prince of Brunei married a beautiful 18 years old Eurasian girl. I always had the Cinderella syndrome, dream of been swept of my feet by the perfect guy.
Never knew that my heart would be crushed by one.
I want to confess that I wasn't always a traditional girl. You see, while studying at college, I chase guys around, instead of the other way around. I felt like I have this power when I nabbed a guy. I uses my looks and being soft-spoken, any guy is an easy target. I went socializing over the top to get attention the wrong way (even risk myself climbing out of the bedroom window to make my great escape almost every night).
That's where my nightmare started.
Going to the club is fine, but getting yourself violated is not. And it wasn't the first time but somehow, I haven't get to the sense of what I did is wrong. I could have bring shame to my family if they found out what I did. My pride and dignity was thrown on the dance floor, bar top filled with alcoholic beverages, dressing up as if you want to sell yourself, getting yourself to grind with any guy and....worst thing you could have ever imagine. Thinking back, I really hate my self of what I did, just for the sake of wanting to find The One.
My first and second kind of serious relationship, I was duped by someone's husband, thinking that he's still single. I found out the truth but too late at the time because I have jeopardize my relationship with my family. My mum got sick, my dad doesn't trust me, everybody hate me. That guy was married for 8 years and his wife was heavily pregnant. I want to warn every lady in Malaysia to beware of a tall, dark, age 40 something guy, uses the name Ixer, Adam or Azizi. His previous e-mail was titanixer@yahoo.com. His M.O is setting up lady in a social chat website, telling all the big thing about himself like he's mix Polynesian. He will try to give u any drinks to drink to make his tricks work. He will also claim that he is a V.I.P son. Be very careful because I found out that I wasn't he's only victim.
My second relationship was with an Indian hotelier. He was nice and romantic but he couldn't handle stress, so he end up beating me. I left after the first violence situation.
I dated a Eurasian actor, who used me for money and whatever made him happy. (damn it! where's my RM80?!)
I was almost in a relationship with a lovely Chinese man whom I only wanted to be friends with.
A Nigerian dude who I managed to escape from because he was stalking me.
(the government should pose more strict rules letting them came here!)
A caring Arab student who was very impossible to be together.
I was really in love with a guy from my college, he was my sunshine, the only guy that broke my heart so bad that took me years to heal. He gave me so much hope to that relationship that I gave him everything to made it work. He was a Med students. I knew I was a rebound girl which he needed to get his mind on when he had a critical situation with his girlfriend, who was a law student.
I joined the debate team and got humiliated (which was then put up on the university's blog). But the best part, I got more than I bargain for. I got all the information about his girlfriend. Eventually, the girl I was debating with is his girlfriend biggest enemy. List of the 411? I got to know something about a Prada bag, nickname that people gave her, black teeth ghost or "hantu gigi hitam" because of her teeth (how would I know, I never met her), how he's always the one who did her law assignment, the car that he used to take me for a date is actually her car (mind u black Satria Neo), how he always took her everywhere he goes..bla bla..and I never heard of a good part.
He would call me in the middle of the night, whining about his girlfriend. Until know, I'm being blacklist by a telco company because unable to pay my phone bills which worth more than my salary.
He made promises to not to forget me but he did.
He was gone for three months but then showed up, only to use me again.
It was a pure toxic love.
I can hardly breathe, with or without him.
I wrote a song for him though because it never work out and even after what he did to me, he still gave me an inspiration to write something.
"Never Mine"
"I remember when,
You used to be my sunshine,
Brighten up my day,
Always by my side,
Made me smile a lot"
"I remember when,
You used to be my rainbow,
Lend me your shoulder,
When everytime I cry,
Mostly because of you"
*chorus*
"Why can't I get you baby off my mind,
Even when,
I've found somebody to be with,
Why can't get you baby off my mind,
Thinking about all the time we've spent,
Even when,
You were never mine.."
"All this time with you,
I knew I was hoping,
To catch me when I fall,
To guide me through the dark
To love me inside out"
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"You were never mine,
It has always been that way,
My heart was in your hand,
You crush it like a can,
And you just walk away"
*chorus*
"Now I'm all alone,
My heart feels so empty,
All I feel is pain,
Drifting in my vein,
Don't you feel the same?.."
To be continued..........
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